Remains of the day

Post-mortem time. I am the pathologist. So there.

Time of death was around 2300hrs last Friday. I can't tell you what the cause was. It certainly didn't make hordes of beautiful women embrace me and say how very much they were impressed; although it did one, and to her I am very much indebted. Unfortunately I can't go any farther than being indebted. This is a sad, sad world. For me, anyway.

So much for the post mortem. That is the director's business anyway. What I can tell you has to do with some very special people. Without them there would have been no show, good or bad:

You. The Audience. Frankenstein is not a conventional, "safe", play. Thank you.

Lawrence Selvaraj. SM. He gives as good as he gets, sometimes. One cannot blame him; he is underprivileged. Lawrence has saved my pitiful arse in the past. He continues to do so today.

Michael Chen and Melissa Maureen. I know few people as hard-working and as professional as these two. Note "people", not "actors". I don't know many actors. I know plenty of people, unfortunately. I think most people are idiots. Not these two. I know this because I loiter around them in the backstage corridor because of SHAME. It is partly true. I also loiter because I am usually still sleepy around sundown and can't move any faster. But SHAME is the main thing.

Paul Hasham and Tora. Builders. These fellows should set up their own construction firm. Mat Salleh and Bumi. Sure make money one. I am a chinaman. I know about these things.

Lim Ang Swee. Lights. Even in the rare event when this grinning bugger fucks up, he fucks up spectacularly. Like the charge of the Light Brigade. Haha. Or Tchaikovsky's 1812 performed by rabid armpit-scratching monkeys in a room full of Catholic schoolgirls. You know it will obliterate you, but still you want to be there.

Maria Pilar Juste Ballesteros. ASM. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... Sadly, I did not get to impress her with my atrocious knowledge of mediaeval Catalan love songs. (Ojos claros y serenos, ya que ansí me miráis, miradme al menos, &c.) I regret this. It might have given us something else to bet on.

Zona Also known as Midnite Lily. Thanks. Again.

Wah Keng Hyen. This soundboard man came up with not one, but two of the most creative excuses for snafus I heard during the production. 1. "It's a 6.3 versus 4.8 problem", (numbers to that effect) and 2. "It's a phantom clip." My thanks for Within Temptation.

Loo Jia-Wei has designed all three sets I have been involved in. While I have many regrets about my own judgement, I have not had even momentary reservations about her work. I played a small role in Frankenstein; but I walked around on the stage every night before we opened, as I have done with all your sets. Thank you.

Approaching the End.

Tonight's the last show. Geez. I'm already missing it.

Cockatoo is a real gem of a role and I'll always remember having been given the opportunity to play him - even if I wasn't first choice *grin*.

Playing along side the likes of the cast of this play and having so much to do has been very nerve wrecking. One the one hand, I feel like I'm in good hands because it is so easy to act with such an experienced cast. During some rehearsals, it feels like they are carrying me and I'm just riding the wave.

On the other hand, the pressure of wondering whether I'll fade away into the background when I act along side them also preys on my mind at times.

But all that being said, I've learnt so much in such a short period, I hope it all stays with me. Thank you's are due to Gavin for spending extra time with me to help me develop and do justice to Cockatoo. Rashid and Douglas are constantly offering me much appreciated and extremely useful tips that have been put to good use (I hope). Patrick has also given me a lot to think about with the 'little things', things I think I would probably have missed about Cockatoo. Mary, for not treating me like her student *lol* (in case some of you missed it - she was my lecturer in college). Kennie for giving me a lot tips too - especially when it came down to looking more like a soldier handling guns and even lacing up army boots. U-en for always referring to me as an *actor* making me feel less awkward and more at home. Melissa and Ari for just being so cool with me. And of course Rauf, Bharani and Reuben: the other new fellas with me sharing the *heat* after some bad rehearsals!!

I was also Jia Wei's Production Assistant on this play and I did quite a bit of running around - sorting out costumes and props and such. It was a lot more of a challenge than I think I was prepared for. I hope I was more of help to her rather than a nuisance. *Grin*. So, Jia Wei, thanks for being patient with me.

Actually, that should go to everyone, thanks for being patient with me. :)

After tonight, I'll have to say a little farewell to the man that is Cockatoo. He's a really good guy if you give him a chance. He does not desire to be liked. He does not yearn for any sort of attention. He does not want to be a hero. He just does whatever he thinks he should be doing and makes no apologies for anything. He's a guy who's been dealt a lousy hand and wants desperately to make the best out of it even if the best is out of his grasp.

Is he really any different from the rest of us?

I hope I did him justice.

I'm out.

Opening Night......

Hello everyone. I know I've been somewhat negligent with the blog this time around and for that, I apologize. But you see.....when you're spending most of your nights huddled up in a corner, shooting up smack, in a small dark room with bad plumbing, accompanied by a huge black guy named Daisy.....well, let's just say its hard to get to a computer. And Daisy sold my laptop cos we ran out of smack so.....yeah, sorry.

We open tonight, in about 8 hours. U-En had mentioned in an earlier post that I would probably start off this post with something like "It has been an amazing journey...." Well, I have never been one to intentionally dissapoint my friends so here goes......

It has been an amazing journey.......happy now? Huh? Happy now fuckhead? It actually has been quite a ride. Its been a real 'yo-yo' experience. There have been some amazing days and some truly fucked up ones. This has proven to be the hardest thing I have ever attempted as a director, which has led to it becoming both one of the most torturous and rewarding experiences of my professional life. I don't know what you guys are going to think of the play. Its not like anything you've ever seen on the Malaysian stage and I'm still trying to figure out if that's ultimately going to be a good thing or a bad thing.

Its difficult to sit and write about this one because over the last couple of months, its become such an all-consuming experience that I haven't trusted myself to write about it objectively. I can say this much though.....I have been blessed with a great cast. One of the things I love most about directing is watching my actors discover things.....watching the growth from first reading to first run to first night has been a treat and I can't wait to see them share with an audience what they have shared with me. Jia-Wei, a woman who will never be happy with anything she does regardless of how fucking cool it is, so let me just say that if this set doesn't receive some kind of nomination or something.....then there's something seriously wrong with the world. Master-Builder Paul Hasham has brought her design to life in a way that only he can. And Lim Ang Fucking Psycho Swee's lights are.....well.....there are no words. You gotta see it for yourself. And we got a kick-ass horror sound design courtesy of Michael Thomas that gives me chills everytime I hear it. Ok, ok......objective, be objective......

That's really all I have to say for now. If everyone performs the way I know they can.....we're gonna have a fucking great show. At the end of the day, the only reason to stage anything is so it can be shared with an audience. And as frightening as that may be for me right now, I can't wait for it.

See you tonight......tomorrow......and tomorrow.....and tomorrow. The dead are waiting.

Peace.

We open this evening

That's all I have to say. Gives me a thrill to say: Eh, we open later today.

I am sleepy. See you later. Haha. Maybe.

uen

we open soon

I know what Gavin will say in his next post. It will begin like this: "It has been an interesting journey for me" ... Note that the elipsis is outside the quote mark. He likes epic words like 'journey' and has a habit of writing a great many of them, hence my bringing up this point of grammar. Actually, there are three points of grammar, if you go in for these things. People like Thor Kah Hoong do. Sadly.

I have trouble sleeping at night. So I shall beat young Gavin to his game and say this:

It has been an interesting journey for me. I am very new to acting, and am still convinced that I am not an actor, but an idiot. People like Gavin sometimes disagree with this painful piece of self-assessment, but I think they are idiots too, so no harm done.

Nevertheless, I have had a great time with two miserable buggers, to wit, Patrick Teoh and Ari Ratos; and I have had the honour and privilege of meeting some very talented people who are actors. Miss Melissa Maureen Rizal, Mr Dowle, Mr Michael Chen, and whatisname the fella with the beret who mops the floor.

Now, what Gavin normally says in his fifth para is: "This play will blow your mind."

I am not entirely sure what he means by the verb 'blow'.

Ah, I have suddenly discovered that I have work to do tomorrow. The problem is "tomorrow" has become "today". So more later.

Goodnight (morning) flesh.

uen

Continuation

It is 0215, 26th Oct. 2006. Again I can't sleep. No, not 'again'. Still. Anyway, to continue.

This play will blow your mind. It is an ambitious creature. So many things can go wrong, and, according to my friend Murphy who has some laws named after him, they will. Another thing Gavin likes to say in his fifth para is this: "It has been a humbling experience".

The line between humility and mortification is very fine. Reputations can be broken by this play. Any play, for that matter. But I don't have one to begin with, so it doesn't matter to me. This begs a question. I have to ask myself why I do it. The thrill of prancing around in public like an overcooked sausage (assuming overcooked sausages can prance around in public... it is late. My similes are weakening)? No. Not likely.

The Great Art of it? No. Not that either. Don't have a rat's arse to give about that. The wish to have the one most beautiful and intelligent woman in this transitory middle earth come up to you and coo "Oh, what a lovely performance. I love you with all my heart and soul"? No, that has not been my lot.

So why?

Cockatoo Diary 3.

I saw a man beat himself to a near death today. He was hitting himself with whatever he could reach - everything from sticks and stones to his own fists and even flinging himself against walls and the ground.

Apparently, his whole family had just been murdered and he just went mad.

But watching him abuse himself that way reminded me of my own little memory - of when I was a mere child working at the ranch that I spent most of my formative years on. I was an orphan child and the ranch owner took me in as an errand boy.

The rest of the help who were much older used to pick on the smaller ones - like I was when I was just taken in. We were made to do all the jobs the older ranch hands were too lazy to do. And if anything wasn't done, we'd get the blame. I was beaten constantly as punishment.

It happened so much, that for a long time I was actually scared.

One day, I knew that the ranch hands were coming for me. I was sick of being afraid. So I stripped myself of all my clothes. I grabbed a whip and started whipping myself. I smashed my head against the walls. I flung myself onto the ground.

I felt numb - which was good. Because I wasn't afraid anymore. It was a liberating feeling.

By the time the ranch hands got to me. I was bleeding all over. Cuts and bruises covered my entire body. There I was, standing naked and grinning at them. It was the first time I ever felt so powerful. The ranch hands just looked at me, unable to say or do anything. And then they just left me.

They never laid a hand on me again.

Birthday -- MORE!

Today is is the birthday of my friend Mr Patrick Teoh, who turns 41. He is a very young man.

Go to his blog and wish him happy 41st birthday. http://patrickteoh.blogspot.com

Although we are in the same play, I have not seen him in months bec. he is in Act I, I am in Act II.

So sad.

Follezou Day One

Father…

Soon the game will be up and you will be brought to question. Remember, you have given us endless nights to wonder and plot…and dream up machinations to a bloody end. That end will soon be done now because we have been set free and we are in your vicinity. Biding our time…

Men…

I find the word repulsive to me now father for, are you not a man? And the priest that blessed your scapels? A man?

No…I can call myself a man no longer …you have turned me into something else.

Soon, we will be in your shadow…your headspace.

Soon…

Do you not know that I have devised a trick? And my Lady…she desires to see it in performance. She praises my hands…and calls me skillful…

Ever since that wretched day when you birthed me into this world of 'men' dear father I have known kindness from none but her…Our Lady…the one for whom these hands toil…

Never did you suffer me a kind word nor glance, yet I still loved you… still love you…

The tides are rolling in around us dear Father… and the Horsemen…

Do you not hear them?

Listen dear father…listen with that thing inside of you that is already dead.. close your eyes and listen.

Do you not hear them?